Surrender

I am letting go and sailing onwards.

Small and slow, like the seed growing towards the sun.

I thought after having such success for 6 weeks that after I fell off, I could jump back into OMAD and I’ve been trying to start again for over 8 weeks now.

I am stubborn like that.

But thankfully some humility and grace found their way into my mental landscape this morning.

For the last eight weeks off the wagon, it’s been falling off everyday and then throwing the towel in and saying yes to whatever I wanted to eat and drink. My inner rebel has been having a fabulous time. And my budget and body is paying a high price.

Yesterday was a great clearing day, able to water fast for 32 hours. It was a profound experience that opened the door to surrender. Water fasting even for 32 hours always awakens whole hearted insight.

Now today, I broke my fast with milky sugary sweet blissful coffee and then instead of giving up and once again throwing in the towel and vowing to be stronger tomorrow.

I decided to think about what would be the best I could do happily and joyfully today.

My answer was to have a smoothie and some nuts with my added goodies for lunch. Added goodies being my powdered greens and some herbal tablets.

And what was fabulous about this idea was it would make today a 20 hour fasting day with a 4 hour eating window. And it would mean I am getting lots of fresh vibrant raw foods! It was a winner. The excitement for this middle road of compromise and imperfection started to ignite.

I let go of trying to do rainbow live food cuisine, and added in heaps of fruit to make a spectacular green smoothie.

This is what I surrendered! Perfection! And the idea of Instant Transformation.

Today I am not healing my cancer by being a raw vegan rainbow live cuisine eating Wonder Woman. And I am also not demanding that I do it tomorrow.

But my boat is headed in that direction.

And it is in my future path. An obvious consequence of choosing to eat as much raw plants and fast as much as I can. If eating plants and fasting feels fabulous. It will absolutely grow and grow until Raw Vegan OMAD is manifested as my daily habit. But demanding I do it overnight is painful, hard and uncomfortable. The detoxing. The focus on saying no to everything I love. It’s just too hard. And I thought I had to be stronger and demand the change for my health and for y family.

But that path has only created pain.

So now, I am choosing to be kinder, not stronger. And let love and joy lead me. One sweet small spectacular step at a time.

The big wins today are: No pizza. No alcohol. No flour. No cookies. These are all very great things and worth celebrating!

Being able to fast and reclaim my health seems to be dependent on learning how to talk to myself in a kind and loving way! And staying engaged and present in that conversation. Day in and day out. It’s a skill, not a one time decision.

I like seeing this journey as Skills to learn, a journey of becoming. And most importantly I am deciding that I want to enjoy the journey. I really did believe that the journey was irrelevant, an inconvenience, something to be endured until I reached my dream right sized happy ethically eating me.

But that’s also what I am surrendering today. The rushing to get there.

My new priority is to enjoy my life today and do the absolute best I can.

Today my best was a 4 hour eating window, eating fruits and greens and also milky coffee!

I am going to trust that doing my best and delighting in the journey will get me there.

No punishment. No counting perfect days. And certainly no pain required.

New skills. Doing my best. Celebrating every win is required.

What a fabulous day of surrender today has become.