Crossroads

Reframing is something I really love.

I really do believe our mind is powerful and our life is more a product of how we interpret events then the events of our lives in and of themselves.

The stories we tell ourselves create our life more then anything else. This is what I know to be a truest truth.

But somedays, like yesterday. It does not feel I’m conscious or powerful in creating the story rampaging through my mind. But in fact a victim of it. A story that is writing itself, created by reactivity and a mind conditioned by the world I live in.

And I guess that is my greatest plight at the moment. How do I support myself to write my own story day in and day out.

Because I… my conscious whole hearted self doesn’t even believe in circles. I believe we are always learning and moving forward, but sometimes we simply can not see it or feel it.

But, I am still a manifestation of two stories.

The one I try and write with love, perspective and care.

And the one that is written when I get tired, overwhelmed and am full of fear, anxiety, disappointment and shame.

If I look at it from a brain perspective. It feels like their is a story my reptile brain keeps creating. And one that my frontal cortex is creating when it comes online.

It’s time for integration.

It is time for one united story, one united sense of self and one life picture.

At the moment I still have two videos playing in my mind. The success tape where I find a way and live happily ever after.

And my fear tape, where I fail and die an addicted obese angry sad victim of life.

I am glad I recently read Mindsight by Dr. Seigel. The idea of integration is a hopeful and beautiful concept and one grounded in science.

I don’t need to destroy my fail tape or even my reptile protector self.

I need to love them, and integrate them.

Let’s be honest… I have been actively failing at raw vegan alignment for over a decade now… if I was ever going to give up it would have been when I was 30 kilograms heavier and when life looked much bleaker!

The more balanced “worst” case scenario is that it may take me years not months to reach alignment. But alignment, I feel is absolutely possible.

So today, that is what I am going to do.

Get up close and personal with my reptile, protector, defensive, reactive self, video and story. And instead of rejecting, hating and trying to destroy that part of me, I am going to make space for her in my success tape, my unified vision for my life.

It’s unrealistic, I am discovering(i know it seems obvious to most!) that I can orchestrate my life to eliminate stress, fear and overwhelm. (I really did think that was doable!)

I really did think I could create a life where my reptile brain would never be triggered. Minimalism has helped. So did making a budget. So does meditation and managing a realistic schedule.

But despite my great efforts, my reptile self does still get triggered by unforeseen events and sometimes I still just let myself get too damn tired!

Yes, I will continue to cultivate a life where more and more my inner dragon can lay dreaming sweetly.

But I also need to find realistic ways for my dragon self to play her part. It’s an evolutionary adaptation that I need to accept, not reject.

And what I feel is essential for integration is to find ways for her to be able to protect me and help me feel safe without betraying my core values. This is the key!

So today feels fun.

I have stumbled on to a new story, one where the crossroads are dissolved into a single beautiful path of whole hearted living… dragon and all!