It’s chicken and egg stuff today.

Am I a food addict and struggling in my recovery because my core relationship is so stressful?

Or is my core relationship so stressful because I’m not able to manage my food addiction?

This has been a question I have asked over and over. I always blamed the addiction for every problem in my life.

But now I am looking into my addiction more, facing it, feeling it.

I am discovering how much of a protective shield it is and has been. And that many days it does feel essential to survival.

Instead of just hating myself for my addictions and wear the shame. I am starting to ask more questions.

But why do I need a shield?

Why do I struggle so much emotionally?

And is it really my sole responsibility to be better or do other people and other things in the world need to change?

If I feel scared/bad all the time, does the monster have a responsibility too? Or if I am better will the cold dark world become beautiful and kind?

Is the beauty or horror only in the eyes of the beholder?

Do I just need to change perception? Change my focus? Evolve my mindset? Or is that not enough and merely perpetuating trauma?

For years and years I have been trying harder and harder to get it right, to be free from my addictions. And then my life will be beautiful!

But I am starting to think… starting to fear that maybe I need to make my life beautiful and my addiction will disappear?

Like a gun goes rusty in times of peace.

Maybe my shield will lay unused and forgotten if I change what makes me so sad in the first place? Or maybe there will always be sad awful stuff in my life and I just need to “grow up” and get more resilient/skilled at managing myself in this dark cold world.

Chicken and egg stuff.

No decisions made.

Lots of questions.

No clear answer… yet.

It feels like a double bind, both choices have consequences that feel incongruent with the life I want to live.

Where are my other options?

But today I am eating my shielding foods and yesterday I ate to protect myself from the painful feelings within.

But I still see the dream, the vision, the woman I want to be. Eating a raw vegan breakfast. Fasting the rest of the day while doing meaningful work and having engaging and playful moments with beautiful people.

It is just a bit burry now in the background and a bit scary because maybe the world I will be living in, is not the world I live in now.

Maybe the road I need to take has a much higher price then I ever could have imagined. And maybe there is more uncertainty and unknowns then I can bare.

I just want it all.

But sadly, wanting it all has had me running around in circles for years.

I am so fucking tired.

I hope I can find an answer that I can live consistently happy with. I fear I will loose something that I might never recover from or that I have missed some important piece of the puzzle. That I am not trying hard enough.

I feel this truth in my bones… life was never meant to be this hard.

But today it is.

May the clarity come….