Slipping

My first four weeks of 100% raw vegan OMAD were fabulous!

So many big wins.

I have lost weight.

I have been coffee free and detoxed from my big dairy and coffee addiction.

Fasting on a daily and weekly schedule has become a new normal.

Hope has returned.

Certainty about being able to reach my weight and health goals has manifested.

But the last two weeks have been difficult. I don’t think I realised how essential my weekly or bi-weekly trip to my raw vegan cafe was. It gave me a feeling of fun, feasting, treats and it really satisfied my taste buds and my joy factor around food.

And with its closing… I lost my weekly treat but also my yummy raw granola. I thought it would be fine.

But my indulger self that needs to really enjoy life has been waging war on my raw vegan Omad food lifestyle.

Cravings are coming.

Consistent thoughts of treat, luxurious and traditional “yummy” food keep haunting my mind.

Lots of instantaneous plans of how I could go eat something great here or there!

In short, it has been a struggle.

So much so… I ate off my food plan and out of alignment with my values on Monday.

I thought I might be able to pivot it into a positive new beginning. Yesterday went well.

But today. It’s difficult again.

The feeling of luxury in the first few weeks with my visits to the raw vegan cafe and yummy food is all gone.

Now I feel bored and there is a real lack of joy. And my food future feels a bit bleak and sad! 5 days a week is totally reasonable! But everyday forever feels kind of tragic!

I value my medicinal food. I took great delight in drinking my green “fake” juice and my fresh homemade almond mylk this morning. But it is not enough to feel satisfied. Raw vegan chocolate didn’t even feel desirable.

I am needing to find a way to satisfy that part of myself… my indulger. My inner lover of great tasty “feel good” comfort food!

I used to hate that part of me! Why can’t I just be happy with healthy food!! Life would be so much simpler!

But… I am really committed to self love and self care. So instead of hating a part of myself, I am willing to listen to the indulger and find a way forward. Because when that part of me feels contented… I can make progress to my goals. AND… I enjoy life and enjoy all my food. I feel blessed.

When she feels ashamed, hated, belittled, unheard, misunderstood… that’s when we have problems. Maybe some binging… but what’s worse is falling off track completely and then loosing all hope!

And that is not acceptable.

Unhappiness in my daily life is not acceptable either.

I have tried to find other treats… but the other place that used to have amazing gourmet raw vegan treats doesn’t offer that any more either!

And the first 4 weeks were fabulous… I don’t want to live a life that doesn’t on a whole feel fabulous! Misery and deprivation are not desirable daily experiences.

So something needs to change.

I am not exactly sure what the new plan is.

I can not see the solution right now.

And that is ok.

What is important is that I am seeking to understand and I am trying to be kind to who I am… not just trying to demand that I become someone I am not.

I am slipping… but with awareness and self love! And that’s what makes it different to all the other times!