Change

Today, I ran out of time to make my almond mylk and smoothie.

So all I had was this wrap and some chocolate and some e3live algae.

But it was great and surprisingly it felt good and I feel satisfied.

I was running particularly late because I had such a long lovely shower. Hot, cold, hot, cold and on and on it went.

Heavenly.

As I was basking in the relaxed delightfulness, I was struck by how much change has happened in the last year.

This time last year, when I was able to have a shower… they were also very very long.

But it was because I was crying so much and couldn’t stop.

The shower seemed to always unleash the agony and pain in my heart. And the hot water would just melt my mind and I would crumble into a sobbing mess. It felt safe to cry in the shower, I felt protected in the sound of the gushing water. My family could enjoy their morning and I could be free to fall apart without worrying about the effects me crying so much would have on such impressionable innocent children.

The loss of my Mother last year just broke me. The existential horror of why and the regret at not doing enough and being a better more loving daughter was simply too much for me. I did a lot in her final months on the planet, but in the depths of grief, I am not sure anything would have been enough.

Only her surviving… that would have been enough.

But now, nearly 18 months since her death… Life has changed.

I have changed.

Her memory doesn’t send me into meltdown… but it does keep me on the path.

Health is essential.

Fasting everyday is many things to me. One of them is how I honour my Mum. It’s how I make her death meaningful. And it is how I make time for the most important things… the things she taught me… beauty, hugs and a love of music that makes you want to swing your hips and sing… even if you don’t know the words!

And most importantly… fasting is helping me have the time, the clarity and the energy to love the people who are still in my life, the way I wish I could have loved my Mother!

Unconditionally and with great tenderness.