Trying

I am trying to be patient.

I am trying to be kind.

I am trying to have perspective.

I am trying to put things into context.

I am trying to practice self love.

I am trying to practice self compassion.

I am trying to practice forgiveness.

I am trying to be hopeful.

I am trying to look forward to my positive future.

I am trying to focus on my dreams and desires.

I am trying to see the bright side.

And I am failing at it all.

But at least I am trying.

Today and yesterday I seemed to have unleashed a big energetic avalanche of self pity and regret. And I just can’t find the blue sky beyond!

Why did I treat my body so unkindly?

Why did I not keep doing things I loved like walking on the beach and yoga?

Why did I let it get this bad?

Why did I not get help sooner?

Why did I not try harder?

Why did I not do better?

And with the regret, comes deep heart disappointment and sadness.

Sadness with how lost I got and angry about the long road ahead.

I want to feel energetic today.

I want my adrenals to be healed today.

I want my eyes to be bright today.

I want my vitality.

I want happiness.

I want to feel playful.

I want to be a better mum, wife, sister and human. Yet… I still feel so exhausted and now that I am fasting and eating raw foods I am having to face all of these consequences. I am no longer stuffing my feelings down with food. I am no longer silencing my ravaged mind with alcohol and coffee and sugar. I am no longer a walking zombie.

I am feeling everything.

And that is hard.

Really hard.

Really really hard.

I want to turn back time and change so much.

But I am trapped here. With a past I must make peace with and a future I must focus on and make brighter. And not knowing how to do either.

It is as if the past has a magnet pointing to my mind drawing me back into the swamp lands of shame and terror without my consent. My consciousness powerless to stop the past invading my present. The terror at having no self control. The horror of falling so fast and not being able to stop… until rock bottom started to torment my very essence. The sadness at being unreachable and disconnected from help and support. It is like a nightmare that doesn’t make sense and is beyond comprehension.

How did this all come to be?

How did I get it all so wrong?

Why didn’t I wake up sooner!

I am trying to find the realisation. I am trying to see the good and find my way back to hope.

And that’s the difference. I know I will find my way back into gratitude, back into my heart centred perspective. I know this all will pass. And I also know food doesn’t help long term, sugar is only a temporary relief that creates bigger problems. And I also know numbing myself out with pacifiers and stimulants just delivers these present problems to my future self. It doesn’t eradicate anything… it just prolongs the agony.

So today, I will continue to try.

I will continue to feel and continue to try and find my flow once again.

Because today… that’s the best I can do.

Today my best is to allow the suffering and to stay true to my path. To feel and hopefully(fingers crossed) learn something and grow some more.

And that is no small feat! If only I could have been present with pain a decade ago…. oh there it goes again. The regret washes over my soul once more…like a rake over burning embers. Thoughts from the past are like oxygen igniting the fire of self hate and once again I must try and soothe the despair…try and find relief.

Sooner or later I will let this go too.

I hope sooner.