Caught

Becoming a happy healthy vegan woman is a deeply personal journey. It was a path I walked before I was a mother. Simply, a woman seeking alignment for herself. A calling for my actions to be congruent with my values. It seemed simple enough when I started. I never expected that I was starting my own trek towards what still feels like, a seductive mirage with an unrelenting pull on my heart. A path of unfulfilled promises and failure glittering its every twist and turn.

Now, as a mother, it feels so much more important. The obligation I feel to be a positive role model haunts me everyday. The pressure is building. My son is already aware of landfill and like osmosis from our world he is aware that humans can either be kind to the planet, animals and our fellow human, or we can choose to be unkind and live in a way that hurts others.

He is already aware that personal desires for taste, ease and convenience can create pain and ugliness in the world. There is no ability to be unaware of our environmental impacts as a child who goes to school. It’s in his curriculum, it is a fact. His choices matter. And he knows it.

I see developing healthy and most importantly happy vegan habits as essential. Essential for me to develop for my own health and sanity. And also essential for me to demonstrate, so positive healthy kind habits, like osmosis, can be offered to my children… just like how my sweet love of coffee, soft cheese, scotch and Neil diamond was effortlessly passed to me.

I want to be able to show my son and daughter that we can learn, we can change, that habits can evolve.

That step by step, a human individual can change and become kind and live in alignment with a happy heart.

We can learn self-control and enjoy self-discipline.

I feel it is also about giving my son a feeling of Optimism and hope for humanity. But first I must culture these qualities in myself.

And sadly I am still caught in a web of shame. And the shame grows and gets stronger because sadly I am not learning these things as fast as I want. I am not finding alignment. I am not feel optimistic about my own ability to change, the evidence for pessimism is so real and in my face. Self-control and self-discipline are starting to feel like elusive mystical ideals like enlightenment and the Unicorn.

It is difficult to face my inability to change. But there is no escape. Face it I must, every day. It is within me, I can not find the off switch to my own heart. I can not escape my own conscience.

But, at least, I am not laying still in my web. Each day I make motion. Sometimes forward. Sometimes backwards. I am caught in between the woman I want to be, the mother I want to be… and the reality of who I am today. But I am not dead, so there is still time to try, time to struggle. Maybe tomorrow it might get a bit easier, something may shift. Or I may get stronger. These are the platitudes I make to myself to ease my fear and keep going despite the invisible chains I can not seem to break.

I am starting to feel that is the beauty of life. That there will always be growth calling me towards the horizon. Always an aspect of evolution and desire unfolding its way into physicality. I just hope, sooner rather then later I can enjoy the experience and it feels like I am “becoming” the future me and I no longer feel “caught” by the incompleteness of who I am now.